Knitting for baby

When I conceived late in 2015, I was determined that this time I would knit at least one item for the baby to come. I picked a basic pattern and started begging knitting friends to teach me how to follow it. It was with perfect satisfaction that I finished it and cast on for another style hat followed by a blanket. I received all my inspiration from a list compiled by Ginny at her Small Things blog. For years I have gazed starry eyed at all her work and decided that a new baby was a good reason to at least try.

Now I am in New Zealand I am feeling brave. I've purchased some beautifully soft New Zealand Merino wool in navy blue to make these Balloon Baby Pants for next fall. With the aid of my mother  I hope to make a strong start while I am on vacation here.

Linking with Ginny from Small Things.

Happenings

It seems that starting a post with pictures is a pleasant way to soften harder topics, namely health issues and surgeries. Tomorrow is another surgery for me. It will be four hours with a truly great surgeon and then true healing can hopefully start.

Around the house however, we have been doing a lot of freezer cooking, baking, preparing for Thanksgiving as much as possible, enjoying the milder temperatures when they come. I've also completed a nativity peg doll exchange that I organized with fourteen other mothers like me, looking to fill the stockings of their children this Christmas.

I'm starting the St Andrew Novena on Sunday, making beeswax advent candles, pulling out Mary and Joseph to start their journey to Bethlehem and setting up the Jesse Tree with some bare branches from the wooded backyard of a friend. It's exciting to see the anticipation and bright eyes on the faces of my boys. I am so glad for life.

Surgery

Cutting to the point here. I'm having a laparoscopy on November 13th in the hope that it will help us concieve another child. I've got a great doctor, and a great trust in God and desire only to do His will.

Being Catholic, I don't participate in artificial methods of conceiving children, but do place great hope in God and the doctors who have trained according to the moral ethics the Church upholds.

Although it has been a hard week, it has also been yet another week of grace. With all my heart, I hope for the gift of another child that we can love as much as we love our two boys here with us. Daily I lay my soul down before the Will of God in which I can never place too much confidence.

From Abandonment to Divine Providence:

The will of God is at each moment before us like an immense, inexhaustible ocean that no human heart can fathom; but none can receive from it more than he has capacity to contain, it is necessary to enlarge this capacity by faith, confidence and love.

The way time rolls

Well, in the face of a knockout blow this afternoon, I can honestly say that I am back up and ready for God's will to take it's rightful home in my soul. I had hoped for a certain test result with all my raw heart. But no matter how much I wanted it, I am still choosing God's Will because it is perfect. And  hard.

I could list the ideals I once had lined up in my mind, but it wouldn't serve any purpose except my ego.

There is peace even though it feels like I'm racing through the dark. God is there and all I long to do is hide in Him. But it is true already. I'm just a drop of water swallowed whole by the Ocean that is God.

So that is what is happening in the shadows of my life. You know the shadows that hover over every soul. Those shadows that possess a thick unearthly veil that our evidence driven world seems to blithely skip over.

It is in those shadows that when I leave the house in the morning and drive down the rolling hills of my neighborhood that I find an overwhelming joy spring up and I say to my boys, today is a good day to be alive. Every day. It happens everyday! It is so easy to find the joy! God is hiding in the shadows of my life, but all too often with the snags that I trip over, I find Him shining with His Hand outstretched towards mine, coming well out of the shadows. Such mystery and wonder to be found in the interior of our lives; joy bubbling out of the shadows.

Seven years ago...

... our first child burst into our lives. Although we were already a family, he cemented it for us.  He is pure joy with an insatiable appetite for learning. He notices the little details that we often miss and so a day with him is never dull. I am incredibly grateful to God for the gift that he is to our lives.

Happy Birthday to our precious boy.

New Zealand

Despite a long haul flight and two shorter ones with two young boys spread over two days, I am back and surprisingly refreshed and enthused as I pack for our big move. New Zealand does this to me, especially when it is spent in the company of my incredible family.

We climbed hills (and some volcanoes), ate hokey-pokey ice-cream, dug holes in volcanic sand up to our knees (and waists for some of us). I ate battered and fried fish, drank more Lattes in Bowls than there were days it seemed, and took pure joy in family life.

To our delight, my husband was able to join us for ten days this time. We visited our Alma Mater (although I'm not really sure I feel that way about it!), took walks in our old favorite places - and found new ones, and discovered that the boys would have been happy to live at the beach.

This time round, I am missing my family in New Zealand a great deal more. It is the uncertainty of change. We are moving to Nebraska next week. I'm packing and planning, anticipating the move into our new house. I'm taking on something new and wonderful that I'm excited to be doing. Will have to share more on that later.

Sewing has taken flight in other forms now that my sewing machine is packed and ready for the car ride.

A new quilt

I had been taking too long to decide on a quilt pattern for my three year old and so decided to run with a simple pinwheel pattern that I found here on sew mama sew.

This past year has seen me changing style and approach to the quilts I make. I'm having fun with the colors I use and I'm not as traditional as I used to be. This means that I am taking every spare minute to sew because I love what I am creating and this quilt is no exception!

The best part was the look on his face when he saw the completed quilt on his bed. He was beyond thrilled!

Building Cathedrals

All you who seek to honor these doors,

Marvel not at the gold and expense but at the craftsmanship of

the work.

The noble work is bright, but, being nobly bright, the work

should brighten the minds, allowing them to travel through the lights

To the true light, where Christ is the true door.

The golden door defines how it is immanent in these things.

The dull mind rises to the truth through material things,

and is resurrected from its former submersion when the light

is seen.

Aren't these words simply sublime? They are the words of the Abbot Suger who had them engraved on the doors of the Basilica of St Denis in Paris, France when he became responsible for its enlargement in the 12th century.

In a time with no electricity or even gaslights, bringing light into the church played a significant role in the design. Light was not just that seen in the creation of the sun, moon and stars; but also in the mind and intellect of man. A gift from God more valuable than any physical matter.

There are great minds from the middle ages who understood that. Certainly they could be rowdy and rough in contrast to our supposedly sophisticated lives. They were sinners, and they knew it. They knew the dignity of the soul; and they knew when they were walking away from Christ - or towards Him. The church as a center of the town was an ever present reminder of the purpose of life.

I am always struck by the reality that up until our modern period, the church was always the tallest structure in a town and was the center of the lives of its inhabitants. Consider the genius of the engineering, the importance of letting in light into the sanctuary and the collaboration on the details by the various craftsman who were true masters of their skill. They were not ignorant or stupid as some of my contemporaries assume.

Just look at the magnificence of the Basilica of St Denis above! They knew where to put their best efforts! Abbe Suger has powerful words for us 'moderns'. May I carry out noble work in my life like his craftsman did to point the way to the True Light.

Thank you Beethoven

Have you ever turned on Beethoven and just immediately felt all that was weighing down on you melt away into some distant land oceans apart from you? I guess that I am just odd, but Beethoven has that effect on me.

If Beethoven was alive today, I suspect he would have been ridiculed and certainly boxed into the eccentric category. His cantankerous nature would have had him at odds with most of us, except perhaps my three year old who loves him.

If you turn Beethoven on, my little hedgehog becomes a joyful, truly delightful antithesis of himself. He will ask to sit on your lap, will clap his hands, and squeal in delight. He might even leap around in circles on the floor.

Beethoven produces the same reverberation in my own heart. I listen to his music and I am calmed, yet animated. I start looking for blue skies despite gloomy clouds, and I dream of playing the viola or violin again. Then I start plotting how I could get lessons and where I could hire a viola. I imagine myself as cultured and refined. Actually, truly sophisticated. After all, my Grandmother did come on the boat from the Land of Proper English;) Then my children bring me back to reality - a reality I completely love.

Truly, Beethoven was brilliant. I'm beholden to God for His magnificent handiwork in Beethoven because here I sit centuries later, a common housewife and mother completely unmusical, able to experience this great source of joy simply, and easily.

Where is Home?

I'm transplantable. You have to be transplantable to live the military life. More so in my case if you spent your childhood in three different continents. I've adapted fairly well to life in every place I've ever lived... until I came to Dayton, Ohio. I don't think it is specifically Dayton, although every place has a unique culture that impacts on you in some way. I think it is a mix of factors, of which the biggest is trying to find a sense of community that my family can 'fit in'. We all want to 'fit in' somehow, someway, and sometime soon. Well two years later that hasn't happened for me here, and with less than a year to go I'm not sure it will.

So now I'm left to define what our family life is all about, what is important to us, and how we are going to go about fulfilling it. I'm following the advice of my spiritual director, to be 'love in the heart of my home' which ties in very neatly with this book I'm reading and just absolutely loving.

There have been too many doubts floating in my mind over the past year, so with recognizing this, I'm changing direction. Yes I will still have doubts, but I'm going to hold each doubt up in God's light because quite frankly, my mind needs some serious fine tuning and the only way to go about it is holding every fear, question, and doubt up against the light that God always brings so perfectly. So this brings me to the first and most important step: prayer. Starting everyday with it is hands down absolutely essential for every Catholic mother, homeschooling or not.

As a lay Carmelite, this always starts with the Liturgy of the Hours. It doesn't matter whether I'm physically tired, mentally down, emotional - even crying. I join in with the rest of the Church and take the focus away from me and bring any burdens to my Father who is waiting for me. He doesn't push or cajole me. He is simply there waiting for me. Praying the Divine Office takes me away from all my hangups leading me into tremendous freedom. I especially love the psalms. I mentally choose to give everything to Christ to take and 'handle', and then step forward to 'do a good day' as my departed Grandmother used to say. I go and do a good day no matter what may be in it.

So first and foremost, home is a place I seek to fill with prayer. Beginning my day thus rightly ordered brings graces without fail into the rest of my day that I might have lost out on. It is the stage setting for growth in virtue. After the Eucharist, it is lifeblood for my soul - although that said, the Eucharist is the ultimate prayer. How can you surpass the intimacy the Eucharist brings? If we only realized!

Prayer is part of the foundation on which to bring renewal in myself and my family. Am I aflame with the Divine Fire that Christ came to cast upon the earth? Have I responded to the universal call to holiness, and a deep prayer life? No one is exempt from this.

I truly love that I am a participant in this tremendous love story between God and man. When you next look at a crucifix, take a quiet moment and contemplate these words from Jesus: What more could I do for you?

a great find in Dayton - prayer time for Mom and play time for children

Favourite Book

Favourite book, favourite book, favourite book!

These are the words of my two year old who has become the latest devotee of Naughty Peter Rabbit, only he refers to him as that cottontail rabbit. Am I the only one who wishes that she could draw like Beatrix Potter? 

Naturally the words of this book are eternally engraved into my mind. Previously it was Make Way For Ducklings which my other child had memorized before me. I guess I'm starting to catch up with all this. 

Now yesterday we visited a church for Mass. As we walked in, our five year old loudly asked "is this a good church Daddy?"

Once inside, our two year old asked, "church? Jesus? Done!" However he didn't end there. He decided that he was going to repeat the words "done Jesus" over and over. Daddy promptly took over, escorted him to the back of the church at which point I started to hear loud and clear:

see saw

knock door

who's there

grandpa

whadya want

glass beer

wheres money

in pocket

wheres pocket

in pants

wheres pants

left home

get out drunken bump

sigh...

Ongoing Conversion

I've become disillusioned. About people and especially about myself. It must be part of the human condition, the fall, concupiscence. Not sure really since I've been living in an emotional fog recently. I used to have such hope. And it all came from God.

Two years ago I found myself in the most unexpected of places. The last place we expected to move to in our military life was Dayton, Ohio. As an indirect result of this move, a lot has changed in the way that I think about motherhood, faith, the Catholic Church, and God. Mostly in a good way, but through a very painful process that I am still living through. I've become sensitive to the need for detachment, forgiveness, quiet times, real listening and very little talking.

Now that I have come to grips about what I really am, and how people can potentially be, I hope to find Christ everywhere I go. And hopefully I'll start to see Him in me. There has been precious little of that. I'm grateful that God knows every human heart that none of us can see - including our own. He alone can judge what is and isn't needed for the heart of each of us.

God may still have me in the winter. But like buttercups and daisies popping up through the snow, I see life coming up everywhere and that is where I will cast my gaze.

O God, Who canst not change nor fail,

Guiding the hours as they roll by,

Brightening with beam the morning pale

And burning in the mid-day sky;

Quench Thou the fires of hate and strife,

The wasting fever of the heart,

From perils guard our feeble life,

And to our souls Thy peace impart.

Grant this, O Father, Only Son,

And Holy Spirit, God of grace,

To Whom all glory, Three in One,

Be given in every time and place. Amen

Cardinal Newman